Parents are surrounded by advice about what they should do.
How to respond to difficult behavior. How to build confidence. How to encourage independence. How to set boundaries. How to motivate a child to learn.
But even good advice can leave parents wondering:
Why does this seem to work for other children, but not for mine?
In our conversation with clinical counselor Sam Roberts, we explored a simple but important idea: every child is different.
Children can grow up in the same family, experience many of the same circumstances and still respond to the world in very different ways. For Sam, understanding those differences is an important starting point for parenting.
Rather than beginning with the question, “What parenting strategy should I use?” it may be more useful to begin with:
“Who is the child in front of me?”
One distinction Sam uses in his work is between children who tend to process experiences more internally and those who tend to process them more externally.
An internally oriented child may be quieter, need more space and time to think, and be less likely to react immediately.
A more externally oriented child may need to speak, express themselves or interact with others in order to process what is happening.
These are not rigid categories, and Sam also points to other differences between children—such as sensitivity, curiosity, motivation, empathy and adventurousness.
The important idea is not to label a child.
It is to notice how they naturally respond.
A child who needs quiet before talking is not necessarily shutting a parent out.
A child who expresses feelings loudly is not automatically more difficult.
A child who needs encouragement before joining a new situation is not necessarily lacking confidence.
Sometimes the behavior makes more sense once we understand how that particular child processes the world.
Sam repeatedly returns to the idea of paying attention.
Children communicate through more than words. Their behavior, emotional responses and ways of withdrawing or expressing themselves can all tell us something about what they need.
That means parents may sometimes benefit from pausing before immediately trying to correct the behavior.
Instead of starting with:
“How do I stop this?”
we might ask:
“What is happening for my child?”
Sam gives the example of a child who becomes upset, withdraws and reacts in a way that frustrates the parent. His suggestion is not to ignore the behavior, but to first help the child calm down and explore what happened: Were they sad? Angry? Overwhelmed? Did they need space? Only then can the parent begin helping the child find another way to respond next time.
Understanding does not mean having no boundaries.
It means that the boundary comes with curiosity about what is underneath the behavior.
The child is only one part of the relationship.
Parents bring their own childhood experiences, expectations, values and temperament into parenting too.
Sam describes how those experiences can influence parenting without us necessarily realizing it. A parent who felt neglected may become extremely involved with their own child. Someone who grew up feeling highly controlled may move in the opposite direction and give their child a great deal of freedom.
Neither response automatically tells us what the individual child needs.
That requires reflection.
Sam encourages parents to ask themselves questions such as:
What am I expecting from my child?
Where does that expectation come from?
Is it connected to who my child is—or to something I wanted, missed or experienced myself?
He sees this particularly in achievement-focused parenting, where parents may need to examine what they actually mean by “success” and whether the goals they are pursuing reflect the child’s interests as well as their own expectations.
Understanding individuality does not mean leaving children to make every decision for themselves.
Children are still developing. Parents bring experience, perspective and responsibility that children do not yet have.
The balance is between observing the child and still providing direction.
Sam shares the example of one of his sons. As a young child, his interests moved from garbage trucks to construction vehicles and later to LEGO robotics. Rather than dismissing those interests, Sam kept observing them. Over time, he noticed a consistent technical curiosity and encouraged opportunities in coding and technology. His son later moved into cybersecurity studies.
The lesson is not that parents should simply follow every passing interest.
It is that repeated observation can reveal patterns.
Parents can then guide, encourage or sometimes push a little—not because “this is what I want for my child,” but because they have noticed something meaningful in the child themselves.
Sam describes this as giving direction based on observation and options, rather than control for its own sake.
Parents still have values they want to pass on.
Sam speaks about values such as honesty, hard work and caring for other people. He sees parents as important guides in helping children develop those values over time.
But values and individuality do not have to compete.
A parent can value hard work while recognizing that different children may need different kinds of motivation.
A parent can value responsibility while adapting how expectations are communicated.
A parent can hold boundaries while still listening to the child’s perspective.
For Sam, this happens through regular engagement rather than only interacting with children when something has gone wrong.
One of the strongest themes in the conversation is safety.
Sam describes two important conditions for children: a safe environment in which they can express themselves, and consistency among the adults caring for them.
He has developed a framework he calls SECURE Parenting, built around:
S — Safe: creating an environment where children can express themselves without fear
E — Encouraging: noticing struggles while continuing to support the child
C — Consistency: keeping boundaries and expectations reasonably consistent
U — Understanding: listening and recognizing developmental differences
R — Restorative: repairing and reconnecting after conflict
E — Esteem: respecting the child as an individual while maintaining healthy boundaries
Sam describes this framework as a way of thinking about the environment around the child rather than simply responding to individual behaviors.
The detail that stands out is repair.
Parents will not always respond perfectly. Conflict will happen.
What matters is whether the relationship can return to connection afterward.
One of the most reassuring ideas in the conversation is that parents will sometimes get things wrong.
Sam discusses the familiar dilemma of how much to push a child.
One adult may later say, “You pushed me too hard.”
Another may say, “Why didn’t you push me more?”
There is no way for parents to know every future outcome.
Sam’s response is practical: parents cannot be perfect. If something turns out differently from what you hoped, acknowledge it, apologize where appropriate and ask what you can do now.
That shifts parenting away from needing to make every decision correctly the first time.
Relationship includes adjustment and repair.
Perhaps the most practical suggestion from the conversation is also one of the simplest:
Spend intentional time together.
Sam encourages families to create regular time where parents and children are doing something together simply to connect.
It might be playing a board game, cycling, fishing or another shared activity.
The important part is that the interaction is not just another opportunity to ask:
Did you finish your homework?
What happened at school?
What do we need to fix?
Sam describes intentional family time as being present without phones, distractions or problem-solving.
His message at the end of the conversation is simple:
“Spend time with your child. Listen to your child. The child needs you.”
The volume of parenting advice available today can itself become a source of pressure.
Sam’s response is not to reject parenting knowledge.
He encourages parents to learn, read, reflect and seek professional support when they are struggling.
But he also emphasizes that no parenting manual can account perfectly for every child.
Every child brings a different temperament, personality, developmental stage and way of experiencing the world.
So perhaps the goal is not to find the method that lets us finally “do parenting right.”
It is to keep learning enough to respond thoughtfully to the child we actually have.
Understanding a child does not mean agreeing with everything they want.
It does not mean avoiding boundaries.
And it does not mean parents should stop guiding them.
It means allowing guidance to begin with observation.
Who is this child?
How do they process the world?
What motivates them?
When do they need encouragement, and when do they need space?
What expectations am I bringing into the relationship?
What values do I want to pass on?
And how can I remain someone they feel safe returning to when life outside the family becomes difficult?
Toward the end of our conversation, Sam compared parenting to planting a seed: creating the conditions, caring for it, putting boundaries around it—and then gradually allowing it to grow.
Perhaps that is the useful distinction.
Parents help create the conditions for growth.
But the child doing the growing is still their own person.
And sometimes the best place to begin is simply to understand the child in front of you.
Sam Roberts is a clinical counselor who works with children and families, with a particular interest in temperament, personality and the ways children experience and respond to the world differently. His work encourages parents to look beyond behavior, understand the individual child in front of them, and adapt their approach with greater curiosity and awareness.
